lunes, noviembre 12, 2007

Mi cuarto de siglo gris.

"Es inexacto" me han dicho, como diciendo: "es mentira", que haya estado un cuarto de siglo sin oprimir una tecla "con propósitos literarios". Es obvio que en esos años oprimí muchas teclas. Estudié matemáticas y soy aficionado a la computación. En esos años, la computadora dejó de ser un equipo enorme, escondido en el sótano de la Facultad al que no podía faltarle el aire acondicionado y al que había que llevarle rollos de cinta agujereada cuando te tocaba tu turno, para convertirse en ese regidor casero que habita cuartos y comedores y al que todos comprenden. Sí, tuve que tocarle sus teclas, y muchas. Para instalar, configurar, ejecutar y programar, como tantos.

También escribí algo en la máquina. Solicitudes, reclamaciones, protestas. Exámenes, colecciones de problemas, informes de resultados, orientaciones metodológicas, desarrollo de unidades didácticas para libros de texto. En ese tiempo también le escribí mensajes y cartas a mis familiares idos, a mis hijos o mi esposa en la escuela al campo. ¿Me cogieron la mentira?

Mi mensaje no significaba que quedé analfabeto. No es una exageración. Es una forma de decir. Como quien dice: "No puedo respirar" estando vivo.

Tampoco fueron años de infelicidad. Al contrario, hay que reconocerlo, nunca he carecido de la paz de recibir afecto.

En ese cuarto de siglo me casé con la mujer de mi vida, vi crecer a mis tres hijos, terminar sus carreras universitarias, casarse, prosperar. Trabajé como estibador, auxiliar de contabilidad, fotógrafo, especialista de precios de transporte, profesor de matemáticas y otras cinco asignaturas. Gané el Concurso nacional para profesores de matemáticas, trabajé con algunos de los alumnos más inteligentes del país (también los más desconfiados, tercos, engreídos y egoístas). Estuve como profesor en dos competencias internacionales y falté a una tercera a la que las autoridades migratorias me impidieron asistir.

En ese tiempo mi madre y hermana emigraron, y años más tarde, también mi hija mayor. Monté bicicleta, bajé veinte libras, crié pollitos.

Hice colas durante meses para ir al campismo, y fui, forcejeé por montarme en ómnibus para visitar a mis hijos en la escuela al campo. Vi romperse los muebles de la sala, los muelles de mi colchón, el motor del agua del edificio, los cristales de las ventanas, las tuberías de desagüe, el "pescuezo" del ventilador, el cabo de la cafetera.

Vendí en la casa del oro y compré pacotilla, recibí ayuda de mis familiares del Norte, incluyendo de una hermana recién descubierta; trabajé y busqué más trabajo para ganar lo necesario para que no se me cayera la casa, para cambiar el tanque de agua, para poner algo en el refrigerador.

Pero no traté de escribir. Pudiera decir que estaba muy ocupado con todo lo anterior y muchas cosas que he olvidado (los festivales de cine, las colas con tickets para comer hamburguesa, los zapatos hechos a mano de antes de la operación "cocodrilo", los viajes a la playa en las guaguas del trabajo…) Entonces sí que estaría mintiendo. También podría justificarme con el miedo. ¡Me costó tan caro haber escrito en mi juventud…! Es una barrera, pero no es toda la verdad. Vagancia, deseos de vivir, falta de necesidad de expresarme, ambiente inadecuado. Pretextos, de mayor o menor calidad.

Nunca en mis narraciones intento llegar a los motivos más profundos. No soy Dios y no me gusta ese estilo. Trato de contar solamente lo que pasa, no por qué. Ni siquiera puedo dar una causa definitiva para mi propia falta de decisión.

Hay una aritmética, no obstante, que podemos hacer. Antes de mi encuentro con "Noel", yo escribía con abundancia propia de un Lope de Vega y dejé de hacerlo después, absolutamente. Quizás lo que ocurrió en esos meses de angustia tuviera alguna relación. Puede que no: dos eventos consecutivos en tiempo y lugar, no necesariamente están vinculados por causa-efecto.

Quizás.

72 comentarios:

René Guerra dijo...

«...trabajé con algunos de los alumnos más inteligentes del país (también los más desconfiados, tercos, engreídos y egoístas).»

Grrr.. Gracias por el piropo. Lo tomo todo para mí, porque busco y busco y no logro hallar a nadie que cuadre con eso. Claro, yo estaba del otro lado del mostrador, y en ese grupo de colegas solo recuerdo a gente simpática, divertida y altruista.

Nuestra discusión sobre el cuarto de siglo gris, para mi radica en que en todo ese tiempo, no solo se dedicó a hacerle el amor a su mujer, o a perder tiempo con gente pesada. Durante esos 25 años, usted también jugó a ser autor. La literatura no fue solo un pasatiempo, no pasó que de pronto se dijo -¡Caramba! hace mucho tiempo yo había escrito cosas. Voy a volver a probar- y ¡zas! comenzó a escribir. No (y tengo recuerdos claros sobre ello). Usted imaginó los escritos posibles. Su personaje de Delito Mayor, se contaba historias sobre bellezas en la playa, PérezCuza además, se contaba historias sobre las historias, novelas que no llegaron a transcribirse. ¿Donde están? Quien sabe, no es demasiado importante. Pero el PerezCuza de esos 25 años se pensaba como el autor de esas historias no escritas, no se consideraba libre de ese compromiso contraído en su juventud, no le convencieron los "argumentos" de Noel, ni andaba por ahí distrayéndose. Miraba el mundo con "ojos de autor". Lo que dice sobre muebles y zapatos es verdad. ¿Y qué? Todo eso es accesario, lo oigo como si dijese que estuvo sujeto a la ley de la gravedad. Y por otro lado, yo leí cosas con tinta todavía fresca que no eran solicitudes, ni exámenes. ¿Me equivoco?

Hay en su escrito una frase (es la única) que me da la razón parcialmente pero la veo más como un escamoteo: «falta de necesidad de expresarme». La considero menos que una pista, la encuentro sospechosa, porque me parece la primera piedra de un camino de escape.
Podría convenir en que mi torpeza al expresarme lo haya confundido. Pero me sentiré defraudado si me salta con un -¡Ah! ¿Te referías a eso? Es que eso está claro o se sobreentiende-
No, yo no lo sobrentiendo ni lo veo claro. No me siento bien diciéndolo porque esta declaración quizá me prive del adjetivo fuera del paréntesis.

Ángel Pérez Cuza dijo...

Lamento sinceramente que lo que has citado pueda (puede) tomar sentido de ofensa. Puse cuatro entre cincuenta adjetivos que tenía para elegir con los que no pretendía denigrar a ninguno de aquellos muchachos. No pueden endigálrsele a ninguno en particular. Debo haberte comentado a ti y a muchos otros incluyendo a los demás en las escasas ocasiones e que he vuelto a encontrar alguno de ellos, mi admiración por las cualidades que creía ver en ustedes. Sé que no coincido con las valoraciones que tienen unos de otros y a muchos no los conocí bastante, a algunos no podría decirles el nombre. El sentido de mi frase es que sus cualidades solían ser superlativas, no tenían tendencia a la mediocridad. Muchas veces temo meterme en discusiones indeseables, pero sería una pérdida demasiado fuerte pensar o decir mal de mis alumnos de aquellos tiempos, los únicos que han supuesto verdaderos retos.
Sobre el tema en discusión. No estuve alejado de la literatura, es una afición profunda y permanente. No escribí ninguna de las "historias" en las que pueda haber pensado. Ninguna persona, escritor o no, vive sin fantasías. Cualquiera que haya escrito narrativa o ficción no deja de seguir los diálogos, el desarrollo de los conflictos o la presentación de las situaciones; cuando lee, va al cine o al teatro o mira la televisión y ve una película o una telenovela.
En este blog estoy practicando lo que en otro sitio llamé "ejercicio nudista". Estoy tratando de decir sólo la verdad o, al menos, mis verdades. Es un trabajo duro, como ves y hay que escarbar bastante para obtener aunque sea una calificación de verosímil.
Mi vida, como la de mucha gente, está llena de momentos espectaculares, que pueden parecer noveleros. No quiero narrarla, no pretendo aburrir a mis potenciales lectores.
Mi autobiografía mental, en cambio, contiene toda mi obra y de ella quiero hablar. Hablar de mi obra es la razón de ser de este blog.
En lo que a hechos se refiere, no mentiré. Espero no haber mentido, a pesar de la "tinta fresca" con que estaba escrita la versión "recuperada" de ¡Ah! qué felicidad o "Juan el Internacionalista" que recuerdas haber visto.

René Guerra dijo...

«Lamento sinceramente que lo que has citado pueda (puede) tomar sentido de ofensa.»
Para nada :) ni siquiera me lo tomé en serio.

El sentido de la frase se me escapaba y resulta que usted se refería a que a ninguno
de nosotros se le podía sacar a pastar. Es cierto, ¿hay algún problema con eso? Déjelo, no responda, este no es el tema y yo sé que no.

Sobre las fantasías, ciertamente todos las tienen. Pero no hablé de las fantasias en general, me refería a una fantasía específica. Es posible que yo me confunda y que me haya equivocado, no ahora, por decir alguna burrada, sino en mis apreciaciones construidas a lo largo de los últimos 20 años. Siempre le ví como un tipo con la manía de la vocación frustrada. Mis protestas de entonces eran porque creía que usted se equivocaba de vocación al anteponer la literatura a las matemáticas. El tiempo le ha dado la razón en ese punto. Pero la imagen del PerezCuza desmaniatizado, ese que 25 años después tiene un impulso súbito se me antoja falsa. Necesito tiempo para digerirla. Quizás termine dándole la razón (dentro de otros 20 años).

PS. En privado, pero no aquí le había felicitado por el blog. No quiero dejar de hacerlo. ¡¡Felicidades por el Blog!!
Este intercambio en los comentarios puede dar lugar a falsas interpretaciones. Puede deducirse que yo soy un pesado (correcto), pero sería erróneo suponer que siento alguna animosidad contra usted. Por el contrario,usted es quizás mi persona favorita (frase robada de Kill Bill).
Un abrazo

Anónimo dijo...

Lastima que tan pocas millas me hayan alejado de tan divertidos comentarios. Soy testigo de muchas charlas, algunas mas acaloradas que otras pero siempre interesantes. Coincidan o no, creo que soñar no es delito, sobre todo cuando tengo tanta afinidad con la mencionada literatura. Confieso que hasta me identifico mucho con algunas de las aventuras del relato. Pero bueno, quien soy yo sin un observador mas de este blog.

El cochero del moskvish azul

Gladys dijo...

He disfrutado mucho “Mi cuarto de siglo gris” por varias razones. La forma de narrar las diferentes etapas de tu vida es una de ellas. No voy a enumerarlas, solo decir que te conocí hace ya un poco más de “tu cuarto de siglo” y que durante todo ese tiempo seguí muy de cerca ese peregrinar que tan bien describes .
Supe de tus inquietudes literarias y tuve la oportunidad de leer Delito mayor antes de ser editado, todavía lo conservo en mi computadora. Esta misma computadora que me permite, en la distancia, felicitarte por tu obra, por haber sido siempre ejemplo para tu familia y sobre todo por ser quien eres…
Gladys

Camille JORDAN dijo...

Angel, lo pasado es pasado solo los viejos nos empenamos en caminarlo de nuevo quizas para aprender nuevas lecciones de el.

Muy triste que encontraras un 'Noel' en tu vida. Una verdadera perdida para todos nosotros que te apreciamos.

Yo mismo te conoci brevemente y no conocia esta parte de ti pero ahora te entiendo.

Que sigan tus dedos golpeando el teclado y regalandonos tus cuentos y novelas.

Ya ordene tu libro de cuentos ternera macho y otros. Espero disfrutarlos como lo hago ahora leyendo tu blog.

Un abrazo

Julio

Saludos tambien para Rene Guerra creo recordar que los demas te llamaban 'el Nague' a quien tambien recuerdo.

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